I am trying to come to terms with what my life is and what it may never be.. I’m trying to let go and it is so hard. All my friends have children and a family to tend to and raise. I go home and have no one that depends on me or needs me. I can come and go as I please.. I have silence in my home and it stays clean.. No one is there to string toys across the floor and I don’t have a pile of dishes from cooking for a family. I grew up watching my mom do everything for her family.. She would go without to make sure we had plenty. She was needed by her children.. She cooked for us, cleaned our clothes, made us do our homework, and cleaned house all while making sure we knew we were loved and safe.. I never thought of not being like her.. I heard girls growing up saying they wanted to do this or that.. I wanted to be a mother.. I wanted to be like my mom and I never imagined I wouldn’t be.. It’s hard letting that go and cutting across the grain I have always followed.
I watch women around me complain about messy houses and loud children.. They complain about not getting sleep and the struggle of disciplining their children and I envy them.. They wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of their kids crying out to them… I wake up from nightmares of never having children and my husband leaving me because of it.. If I could really make them understand one thing I think it would be that.. The tired mothers that want nothing but rest.. I wish they knew how women like myself would give up anything and everything to have what they have.. Women like me hear the silence of the night and would give anything to one day hear the cry of a child break that silence..
I think sometimes that I look to other people to try to make things better.. To try to fill a void in my life that is not fillable.. I don’t know how to fix my life or to feel ok about it so I want someone else to distract me so I don’t have to feel what is going on.. Or deal with it.. My husband, I love him more than anything and he would turn himself inside out to make me ok but even he can’t fix this.. I feel bad for my friends sometimes.. I call them in times when the emotions get too real.. To pull me away from what I am feeling..I discuss with them nothing that really matters… What’s happening with someone.. What’s happening with work.. Plans for the weekend.. Even the weather.. Anything.. Anything so I don’t have to feel.. Sometimes it’s nice to hear them while on the phone talking to their children telling them to stop doing something or to clean something up.. It’s nice to imagine how my life would have been.. Someone told me today my life was boring and even though I thought that was really rude it was the truth.. I don’t know how to deal with this life.. I didn’t plan, make, or in any way anticipate this life.. I know what would bring joy to my life and hopes for the future.. What do you do when that is not attainable? You have to find a new happiness but how? I wish someone would tell me..
After this last cycle failed we decided to take some time off. I can’t deal with another failed cycle of injections. The side effects were terrible but the constant doctors visits and anticipation was unbearable.. The whole month you think and just know you will have a child growing in your belly by the end of the month.. Then during the two week wait you analyze and over analyze everything about you body.. In the mornings do you feel nauseous and if so is that from the medications? Do your boobs feel sore when you touch them.. No.. How about when you squeeze them.. Yes? Does that mean your pregnant? Stomach is a little bloated.. Is that from the injections or from your uterus expanding a little bit? Your constipated.. Is that from the meds or from pregnancy? It goes on and on.. Every day.. Every hour.. Then to only be told that you failed again.. Your body could not do what 7 out of every 8 woman’s body could do.. And who suffers for it? The person you love more than anything.. Your husband.. Sooo… On top of having to tell him you, yet again, did not conceive his child he gets the joy of picking you up off the floor.. He gets the joy of trying to soothe a wound that is impossible to soothe.. I know how much that man love me because I love him with the same amount of force.. To see him hurt breaks my heart and I would do anything to make it better.. I can’t imagine what he has had to live through these past three years.. He is a strong man and I love him for that and so much more..
I have to do something else.. I have to find a different way to be happy.. I have thought about the last couple of days if just the life with my husband would be enough.. And I started to think about how lucky I am.. I see some friends jumping from dating one girl to another or one guy to another and my heart goes out to them.. I can’t imagine not having Travis in my life and I am so incredibly gifted and lucky to be able to share my life with this man.. He loves me so completely that I never have to worry about him not being there.. We have a love that lifts us up and makes us want to be better.. I know no matter what happens I have Travis by my side and he knows the same.. I am lucky.. I may be the one in eight woman fighting infertility but I have what others strive to find and some never get.. I have my soulmate.. My best friend.. And in the worst of times I can look in his eyes and know that although I feel like I am nothing and worthless.. To this man I am everything and even if we don’t have children we are no less in love and no less a family.. We have a bond and love that is unchangeable and eternal.. We have trials but when it really comes down to it God has truly blessed us..