Tomorrow is the day I face the inevitable.. I find out if this cycle worked or not. I’ve debated not going. For now I can live in the hope of what if.. For now I can touch my stomach with the hope there is a child growing. For now I can dream of what my reaction would be if I’m told I am pregnant. For now I can look at my husband and not feel like I’ve failed him again. For now..
I’ve taken pregnancy test a few days ago and it was negative. I haven’t taken anymore because they were so depressing. Tomorrow I will find out for sure. I’m scared. I imagine it will be hard to tell my friends but it will be miniscule compared to the pain of having to tell my husband. I am hoping for the best but am trying to prepare myself for the worst. Tomorrow will be a day I feel my life will change. It will be a day of great joy and the start of something beautiful or it will be a day of sorrow. Sorrow in starting to let go of what I always thought my life would be like. I have to start letting this go before it consumes me. I have to find joy in my life. I have imagined my son and/or daughter for so long.. Longed for them.. Dreamed of them.. That the thought of letting them go is like mourning their death before I have ever brought them into life.. God it is hard..
My husband looks at me and I see the pain in his eyes and I hate it. I know he longs for a child but I also know how much he loves me and it kills him to see me this way. It leaves me in a position that I don’t want to cry to him and make him hurt more but he is the only one I want to talk to. He got mad at me every time I took a pregnancy test because he saw how it defeated me. He wants to make it better but he doesn’t know how to and I don’t know how to tell him what’s wrong or what hurts.. It’s just a hole in my heart that aches every day.. Some days is better than others.. I told him today the worst part if I’m not pregnant will be having to tell him I failed again. He tries to cheer me up and told me I succeed at everything I do.. It just seems the things that mean the most I fail at…
I wrote all the above last night.. Today I found out I am not pregnant. When I was told this I didn’t know what to do. I broke down in the bathroom at work.. The tears kept coming and no matter how I tried I couldn’t get them to stop. I called Travis and before I said a word he said, “Its going to be OK and this is not the end.” My reaction was not the best and I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I felt like me heart was going to explode. I just sat there and cried and when I could make it to the bathroom mirror I had welts covering my neck and chest. I felt so stupid for getting so upset about a negative test but I couldn’t control it. I’m usually pretty good about controlling my emotions but I couldn’t get the tears to stop. My best friend, Heather, came in the bathroom and hugged me. I’m not sure how long I was in that bathroom but it seemed an eternity.. I then spent another little bit in a room crying trying to get myself pulled together. The only thing I could keep thinking was that I failed my husband again. I finally decided I had to leave.. I did not want to sit there all day with a group of people staring at me as tears ran down my face. I love the people I work with but all I wanted to do was cry and talk to my mom. I’m usually pretty good at sucking it up but today I couldn’t. I know it sounds stupid.. I’m a 25 year old woman but still in my weakest moments I needed my mom. I called my mom when I got home.. Travis then came home. He had to leave for about an hour and I’m by myself now and its 4:59 and the tears are still rolling down my cheeks…
I feel so stupid and I keep telling myself it was just a negative pregnancy test.. Its not the end of the world.. But my hearts not listening to me.. It’s only breaking.. I guess its just different this month because of the constant doctors visits and ultrasounds and they made me feel like I was definitely getting pregnant this month.
I was going through my pictures in my phone this morning and was shocked at what I found.. I occasionally use my phone as a mirror.. Well yesterday as I sat in a room by myself trying to get myself pulled together I used my phone to wipe away mascara from my face and apparently it took pictures that I did not know about.. I saw them and was back in that moment. I was sitting there trying to suck it up so I could go back to work and I felt like my heart was breaking in two.. I sat there and looked at these pitiful pictures and thought.. This is the face of a woman who felt she had failed her husband again.. This is the face of a woman mourning the loss of a dream of a child.. This is a broken woman..They are horrible and at my worst moments. Everyone is going through something.. I am just usually pretty good at concealing my pain.. I’m usually pretty good about sucking it up and keeping it in.. I couldn’t this day.. This day I fell apart.. This day I couldn’t hold it together.. I know it is not anyone else’s problem or anyone else’s issue.. I feel bad for having to leave work for something so stupid.. No one died.. No loved one was in the hospital.. I didn’t need to go to the hospital.. But I was falling apart.. And I was in awe at how some where there to catch me..
Today is Sunday and I have woke up this morning thinking, “Today will be better. The future is not determined by the past.. It is not the end.” It took me two days but I felt like God is pulling me up and nocking off the dust. I have spent the last three years consumed with trying to have this child. I have to let it go. I have to try to make me happy again. I can’t live this way anymore. Today is a new day and tomorrow holds a new future..