I wrote this a few weeks ago and I have went back and forth about posting it.. It’s very raw and I wrote most of it through blurry eyes.. I was going to keep it to myself but thought about all the women out there that feel the same way I do.. I want you, no.. I need you to know you are not alone. For so long I thought I was. When you are sitting in a dark room screaming in the silence please know you are not alone.. Not only are there thousands upon thousands of women in the world that feel the same as you and I.. But when your sitting in that room screaming your pain into the silence know our Father is with you.. He hears your pain and he wants nothing more than to comfort you and be with you.. Trust in God and quiet your mouth and listen.. He is showing you the way..
I think I have come to a decision about this process.. I cant do it anymore.. I have become weak emotional and physically. I have thought about this and thought about this and I’m weary and I want to stop. I haven’t talked to Travis about it yet but by the time this post goes up I will.
I don’t know what else to do or where else to turn.. Travis and I are going to try to sell our old Ford Taurus we have and try to come up with the money for the injections. Truthfully I don’t want to stop trying for a child and I don’t think I ever will. The next step is going to be a struggle not only emotionally but financially… It will take us a number of months to come up with the money needed. Travis’ truck is on its last leg and our plan was to sell the Ford to help get him a Truck.. Now we need that money for injections.. God help us .. I don’t know what to do. I am so tired of thinking about all of this… I should not have to worry about picking between getting my husband a truck he needs and getting vials of hormones to inject in myself..
There was a point this morning as I was driving to work that a thought crossed my mind to keep driving and not stop.. Just drive and run away from all of this. To find relief. To find peace. Drive until the car would not go anymore.. It was a need inside me that seem to relic a survival instinct.. So much of me is shutting down and I don’t know how much more I can take.. I wanted to run.. I can’t run from myself though.. These problems are inside me and nothing I can run from. I cant run and find peace.. I have to find it within myself and with God.. I am losing my grip though and I don’t know how much more I can take of this.
I am sitting in my car about to walk into work and I keep saying to myself as I am digging my fingernails in the steering wheel of my car trying to control my emotions, “God help me hold it together today.” I am so tired of this feeling. It is the perfect compilation of mad as hell and sobbing on the floor. I got my Christmas decorations out yesterday and as I sat there looking at it my stomach churned at the thought of putting everything up. Why would you want to live in a place decorated with joy and on the inside you feel like there is nothing but rain and darkness. As I looked at decorations I could not help but to think I have no child to put these up for.. Who is going to admire them? The dogs?
I feel like I need someone to save me.. Even as I write that I know how pathetic I sound. I just need someone to tell me what to do. I am usually a leader in many circumstances but now I am down on my knees.. I need God to take this wheel I am gripping so tightly to because I cant drive it anymore..
How do I tell my husband though.. How do I tell this man that I love more than the breath that sustains me this? I would do anything for him and one of my greatest fears is disappointing him or him thinking less of me because I am tired.. Him thinking I am weak. I am tired though and I am weak. Travis is the quiet one that you never really know how he is feeling because he keeps so much of it inside.. He rarely breaks. How do I tell my husband I’m sorry I cant give you a child? The words that I hear as they reverberate against our quiet house sickens me. I have always been able to do anything if I put my mind to it to accomplish it.. This is something I cant do and I don’t know how to pick myself up off the floor.
I don’t know why I am writing all this.. I just need to get it out. A friend told me today they may start to try to have another child. A very sweet, beautiful, and courageous friend.. And in that moment my being was filled with two emotions that I didn’t know how to control.. I was so happy for her and the possibility of her being pregnant.. She has had an awful and dark year and I was so happy for her for moving past that dark time and looking toward a bright and new future. In that same moment, however, I was filled with so much jealousy.. To be able to decide when and if you will have a child.. To go through so much trial and tribulation and come out of it and be able to make the decision to bring new life out of all of that.. To be able to close a dark chapter in her life and start anew.. I wanted to be her in that second.. To know if she did get pregnant she would have the joy looking at her daughters beautiful faces and telling them that they would have a sibling on the way.. Or to look in her husband’s eyes and to tell him she was carrying his child.. Yes.. I was purely jealous of her in that moment.. If anyone deserve it though, she does..
There are so many feelings inside of me that I feel like I am buried beneath.. I started out strong climbing trying to overcome them.. Now I am clawing and scratching and I can’t find my way out. I can’t see the top anymore.. It’s time for me to stop.. I have to lay this down because I am losing myself in it.. I just don’t know how..