I constantly have so many things going through my head and I often wonder if women who are going through the same thing as me think these things.. I too often wonder if God knows I would not be a good mother and that is why I don’t have a child. I wonder if people think the same about me.. I hear all the time “things happen for reason”. I wonder if that reason is God does not think I can handle it.. Maybe I’m not strong enough or have enough patience.. I catch myself sometimes during the day losing my patience and I take a moment to calm down before I react.. I think in those times “What if this is why”.
When I see women who are pregnant or a mom and dad with their children I have a bitterness that is overtaking me that I don’t know how to extinguish.. It comes from a place of pain.. I hurt more to see a father with his child then to see a mother with a child.. My pain is my own and when I see a mom with a child I can cope with that pain.. What rattles my brain, pulls my heart into the pit of my stomach, and lodges the bowling ball in the base of my throat is when I see a father with his child.. Knowing that I am holding my husband from knowing that joy.. To know I am the reason that is holding him from those life experiences and knowing the depth of love between a father and son or daughter.. I hurt for Travis. I would give my life to give him a child. I’ve offered him a divorce and pleaded with him to take it.. I told him he could still find a wife who could give him a child.. He would not take it.. He simply said this is something we fight for together and a life with a child and without you is not worth it.. I love that man.
I try to spend my day busy from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep because these things are so hard to cope with. I’ve tried to pray again and all I can get out is “God I need you now.” I don’t know what to say. God knows my heart and knows my pain so as someone who can physically feels this.. What more is there to say.. I still wake up every morning and thank God for another day and when I go to sleep at night I try to always tell him thank you for the day he gave me.
My God is great and I will praise him through this. The only peace I have ever really found is with Him.. The times I have spent talking to Him are the times my soul feels refreshed.. I give him the pain and the most beautiful thing is he takes it and is still there with open arms.. During the times like today when I let it build and build and build I can come home and cup my wet face in my hands and give it to God. He hears me in the most desperate times and I love him for that.
I do not mean to sound so bleak but I am in pain and don’t know how else to express it. I still have faith in my God and I know in the end I will have a great testimony. I will overcome this and God will see me through.. Say a prayer for Travis and I as we move forward. We start the next round this week and will be starting the Clomid I was prescribed. Pray for our strength. I love you guys and thank you so much for the words of encouragement and prayers.. They warm my heart and mean more than you will ever know!