I’m mad… I’m mad and I don’t know how to control it.. I don’t know what I’m mad at or who.. I’m just mad.. In some compacity I am struggling to function.. I cant think about what I’m going through right now because the mantra of “Its going to be ok. Its going to be ok. Its going…” is playing over and over again and I don’t know how to shut it off..
I need help and I don’t know who to turn to.. I love my mom and go to her about many things but this is something that she not only cannot fix but something that she really doesn’t understand because she has never been through it. She can imagine as any woman can how it hurts longing for a child but until you been through it you can’t full comprehend.. I imagine she comes closest to it that a woman can without being through it because she has to watch her daughter go through it and I imagine that’s painful. It is hard to talk to my husband sometimes because I know he hurts the same way I do.. And honestly sometimes its too painful to talk to him because I know I’m causing his pain.. I try to talk to friends and I get the “I am praying for you” or jokingly “You can have my kids” or something near the same as that that are words of encouragement and sometimes things to make me smile.. But sometimes I feel those words fall on deaf ears.. These are words I have heard a million times over.. And it’s not that I don’t like the encouragement and the prayers.. I’ll take all the help I can get.. But there are times I want to scream “It is not ok! I am not ok!” I want to scream, “It’s not fair! I am hurting.. I am causing my husband to hurt which causes me to hurt more.. I feel I am a failure and I am weak..” I have came to a very low road on my journey and I don’t know where to go from here..
(Travis with me at the doctors office)
We have done three rounds of Femara and they have failed.. I spoke with the specialist today and it was a somber conversation.. I am not ovulating.. We sat and talked for about an hour of what our options were and the whole time I felt like he was trying to break bad news to us.. He said simply, “The Femara is not working so we are going to try something else..” He said that the next steps where not going to be easy and laid everything out for us. He said we would try Clomid this month and it was not going to hurt to at least try one month and was putting me on the strongest dose. He did not put me on clomid for a reason and its because it has low success rates with pcos patients.. It is very similar to the Femara I was taking but in short less effective.. He said if that does not work then we move on to injectables. The price for these are going to be about $2,000.00 that we do not have and I have no idea how we will come up with. I think the only reason he is doing the clomid is to give us time to do one of two things… One would be to talk about this journey of trying to conceive and decide to stop or two try to come up with the money for the injections.. $2000.0 A MONTH! That is impossible for us.. If we somehow got the money for the first month I dont know how we would afford a second.. He then goes on to say with the injections it can produce multiple eggs and if it does produce too many he will have to “cancel” the cycle.. I asked him what that meant and he said when he sees too many follicles being produced he will put me on birth control to make sure I do not conceive.. And if that happens then we will be out $2000.00 without a real attempt.. He said after that he would be done because that is all he can do. He would refer me to Baptist then.. For invitro which will be about $12,000.00…
I have been taking opk’s (ovulation predictor kits) and have been getting positives and asked him why if i am not ovulating.. He said the medicine can through false positives and false negatives. That was so disheartening.. So i sat they and asked him should i be charting? He said no… I asked what to do then and if there was anything else I can do.. All I could hear in that moment was the desperateness in my voice.. All he said was though was to eat right to control my sugars and to join an exorcise class to help loose a little weight..
I don’t get it! I don’t know why this has to be so hard for us?! I love my God and I pray to him often but today it has been hard to pray and I don’t know why? I don’t know what to say. In the car ride home all I could say was “God please be with me..”
I am sorry for the very dramatic post this time.. My heart is heavy and I’m not sure how to contain it. God has seen us through so much already and I know he will see us through this. It is just so incredibly hard to see through the current situations. I hate asking for anything and normally even when I need prayer I say to pray for the ones like me.. But now I need prayer. Please say a prayer for me that Gods will be done and I am strong enough to accept that. Pray I don’t loose hope because I feel it dwindling.. I think deep in my heart I know I will have a child.. I just don’t know what all is going to have to happen to get me there.. Pray to give us strength for that..