Got news today that I was not expecting. I went yesterday to get blood drawn. It was for round two of the Femara that I had been taking. They checked my progesterone to see if I had ovulated this month… My results were that I did not ovulate this month. My progesterone level was 1.86 so no chance of ovulation or that I’m pregnant. I was so mad I could have screamed! The nurse that told me my results spoke in such a cheerful manner I could have pulled her through the phone.. I know it was not her fault and she was not trying to disregard my feelings but there wasn’t an ounce of sympathy in her tone. As I sat there with my heart breaking she asked, “Is there anything else I can help you with?” No “I’m sorry” or “Maybe next month..” just “Is there anything else I can help you with?” I politely said no and disconnected the call..
I was at work and I was told this at my lunch time.. Last time when I went in for my progesterone test they told me about 9 or 10 o’clock in the morning the next day. The fact they hadn’t called I’d figured it was bad news but was hoping they were just backed up.. The woman told me the news and I quietly threw my lunch away, went to my desk and got my keys, and went to my car and cried… And cried.. I was so mad. I was mad at myself for letting myself get my hopes up since I ovulated last month. I was mad at God because I felt like I left it up to Him this month and He let me down. I was mad at myself for questioning God or being mad at him. I purely hated myself in that moment. I still am embarrassed that I resented God because I felt like he didn’t hear me when, more than anyone, he was the one that has stood beside me.
I could not stand the thought of coming home. I avoided it at all cost. I went to my moms after work because I could not stand the thought of going home. To see the baby blanket that I have been working on for that last couple of weeks… To see the room where a crib should be.. To see the island in my kitchen that I was thinking last night would be a perfect place for a high chair… To go in my living room and remembering the thought that I’ve had over the past couple of weeks of seeing toys in the floor… To see the bed that my husband and I have shared our love in trying to conceive this child… I couldn’t bare it and I could not bare to see my husband. To know I had let him down again.. I couldn’t face him.. But as the sun went down and the sky was turning black I knew I had to go home..
So, here I am.. At home.. And the silence of these thoughts whisper through our house with a deafening cry.. It was unavoidable and I knew that.. Just prolonging the inevitable.. Today was not a good day at all.. I feel like I not only let my husband down but I let God down.. In a moment when I got bad news I should have relied on Him and not questioned what He is doing or His timing.. But I did and I’m ashamed of it.
I don’t know where we are going from here. The doctor will not be in the office until Thursday or Friday and will not know anything until then.. If you have a second I’m asking for prayers though… Not necessarily for me but for the ones like me.. The ones trying to have a child and have yet to do so.. I know your pain and it is one like none other.. To have the picture of your child so vivid in your mind but cant give life to that and mourning that every month.. It’s horrible and I would not wish it on anyone.. Pray for those women..
I thank God for my husband waiting for me with open arms to fall into. I’ve asked for Gods forgiveness for not trusting his timing. I know everything happens for a reason and I have faith that one day I will understand this all.. I do know God has a plan and I also know it is going to be better than anything I could have ever imagined..