Lean on Love..

I have not written in a while… And ALOT has happened.. I did the Femara for five days and my husband and I went on vacation. We had a great time and did everything the doctor told us to do. I didn’t have  any side effects that I noticed and everything went fairly smooth.

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I went in last Monday for a progesterone test to see if I ovulated. They called me on Tuesday and said my progesterone level was 23.8. They said this was a sign of a strong ovulation. I was so excited. Finally a positive note. Everything has been negative and “no” through this journey so far. Negative pregnancy tests, negative ovulation tests, no’s on blood test results, bad insulin level, bad hormone levels, ect… Finally we got a yes. Yes we ovulated and yes there may actually be a chance you’re pregnant! We were so excited. I started testing every morning and evening knowing it would pop up positive soon… Well I found out if I was pregnant or not a the hospital on Thursday…

I have gallstones and a gallbladder that is getting worse and needs to be taken out. I was at work on Thursday and my gallbladder started hurting. I was scared to take any of the pain medication my doctor gave me  because I just knew I was pregnant and I would not take a chance of hurting the baby. So… I was doubled up in the bathroom puking my guts out. Usually the pain starts to diminish once you get everything out of you stomach but this time it was not stopping and was getting worse. I went to my manager and a coworker drove me to the hospital because I knew I could not drive this time. They took blood and said that my gallbladder was getting worse and needed to come out. He said it was not bad enough to deem an emergency surgery but I needed to call the surgeon and have it removed soon. They told me when they took the blood they would take a blood pregnancy test to make sure I was not pregnant before giving me anything.. When the doctor came in he told me about my gallbladder and was not going to say anything about the pregnancy test results.. As he walked to the door I asked if they did the test and what the results were.. He said it was negative and he was sorry because he knew we said we had been trying. That hit hard.. I don’t think I really wanted to know the results but was too curious to not ask.. I debated asking.. As long as I did not know I could live in the dream of the possibility.. I cried all the way home..

I cried because I knew without a doubt now I was not carrying the miracle of a child.. I cried because I felt like a failure.. I ovulated and still did not get pregnant.. I cried because I felt like I had failed my husband.. I cried because we had tried so long and finally got to see a specialist and now a wrench was thrown in our plans. My fertility doctor knew about my gallbladder and said if it needed to be taken out then we would stop for a couple of months. This way it would give me time to heal and get my body where it needs to be.. I cried because this meant everything would be put on hold for a while.. Everything we have been working so hard for had, in that instant, came to a halt.  My body had betrayed me once again. I cried and talked to God all the way home and I felt like He was in the passengers seat with me the whole time. My God is always with me..

I talked to Travis that night and he consoled me as I cried. I can not believe this man and am so greatful that God has given me him. He consoles me even though I know he is just as disappointed. This is a man with such strength.. He always holds me together, even as I am falling apart. I see the way he looks at me and I know if he could take the pain away and take it all for himself he would do it without thinking. I love him for that.. And I know the magnitude of his love because if I could take it away from him I would in a second. I have never met a man as strong as him yet as gentle and caring at the same time. I love him beyond measure.

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I go on Wednesday to meet with the surgeon to have my gallbladder taken out. I will let you guys know what happens from there.

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One thought on “Lean on Love..

  1. So sorry to hear that you didn’t get your BFP (big fat positive test) this time around. The good news is that you can get your gallbladder taken care of and try again. Plus you ovulated! So you know it can happen again. I don’t know you whole story but I know this path sucks. My husband and I have been trying for 5 years and I tried Femara finally and got my very first BFP. It was great, unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 7w6d. I know the path is hard. Keep your hope and spirits alive. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

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