Uhhhgg… Not feeling the best today. Today is day #2 on Femara. I woke up this morning in a puddle of blood. Scared me a little but I figured was a side effect of the meds. I have had some cramping today, at times pretty bad. I called the doctor on my lunch break and spoke with his nurse. I told her what was going on and I was still spotting bright red. She put my on hold and spoke to the doctor. She got back on the phone and said that it could be two things. She said it could be from the two ultrasounds and the liquid being injected in my uterus and fallopian tubes. She said it could also be from the medication.. So… She said to continue to take the meds and if the pain or bleeding gets worse to call back. I hope it gets better.. I pray and will trust in God it will..
Other than that I have noticed a major side effect is forgetfulness and confusion… I could not believe how forgetful I was today. Bless.. I must say I am blessed to work with the people I work with. The girls I work with know everything that I am going through. Every time I would forget something or make some silly mistake they were there to help and laugh with me. Its comforting knowing I am going into a place everyday where I know I am loved and I love them.. They are my family and I hope they know just how much they mean to me. The ones there in the office and the ones I talk to almost on a daily bases but work for a different part of the company. One woman that works in another building lifts my spirit with her enthusiasm for the Lord. There are a lot there that do that. I’m blessed to be around that kind of positive energy and uplifting attitudes.
I am doing OK though. I think God is dealing with my heart. There is sometimes I just sit and talk to him because my heart burns to be closer to him. It’s a love that is beyond anything that can ever be described. I search for him constantly and seek him out. I never understood it before. Before I went down this road of trying to conceive I didn’t get it. I didn’t get what God was doing and felt like I was being punished. I still have times of blues but it is nothing like before. I was mad at everyone and mad at God. Then it hit me..
I found out one of my friends was pregnant and that was weight on me. Then another girl I worked with got pregnant and that was a little more weight, then another and then the last one. The weight kept piling on with each woman I found out was pregnant. I didn’t hate them and I didn’t have any hostile thoughts toward them. I had the thoughts toward me.. I came home from work that day and I couldn’t take it anymore. The weight was barring down on me.. My husband was not home and I made it as far as my living room.. I fell to my knees and told God I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke.. I was mad at God, I was mad at myself for the hurt I was causing my husband, I was mad at my husband for not leaving, I was just mad.. When I fell to my knees and wept I prayed. I prayed more than I had in weeks before that.. Within those moments I felt God with me. I felt his arms around me and in that moment I was more complete and perfect than I ever had been.
As I look back on it now and see where I am, I am grateful. I still want a child for myself and my husband but all we need is God. I am actually thankful that he has brought me through this. I never thought I would say that but it is true. Nothing could have brought me to my knees like this has and brought me closer to Him. I trust in Him and whatever he has to bring me through to bring me closer to Him I will gladly go through. His first job is to save our souls before he let’s us bring one into this world and I am OK with that. I trust in his timing and in his love.
I still have three days to go on the Femara. I will keep you guys updated. Thanks for listening and, as always, thanks for the prayers!