God holds my hand..

I was sitting today thinking about how greatful I am for the people in my life. God has truly blessed me. I have had so many people tell me that they are praying for me and sending me so many words of encouragement since starting this blog. I started this for myself because I had so much inside that I needed to let out but now I have had other women message me and say that my words have helped them. That warms my heart. I know their pain so if there is a way that I can alleviate some of that for them and make them feel less alone then that is the best compliment in the world. That being said I’ll tell you a little about myself and my husband so you will know what has happened up until know.

My husband and I married 3 years ago and have been together for 6 years. We started the doctors appointments about 6 months before we married. I first started with a family doctor and she said that she wanted us to try naturally for a year before a fertility specialist would see us. So that is why we started the paperwork and tests 6 months before because we knew we wanted a child not long after we married.

Travis knew early when we were dating that I would have problems having children. I made sure that he knew that up front. I told him my condition and that there may be a possibility I would never have a child so if that was something that was a deal breaker for him I would rather end it now.. He was very sweet. He said that he was already too far in and said that he wanted to be with me and when we made it to that point we would work it out… What got me then is that he said “when” and not “if”.. I think that was when I really started to fall in love with him. So we tried for a year after we were married and hit some rough patches along the way. Life and financial hardships but we pulled ourselves up and are better off now than we have ever been. About a year and a half ago I switched doctors and she started me on a serious of trials and medications to help us conceive. The theory was to cure the PCOS and we would conceive. She was and still is a great physician but she could do only so much before she had so hand me over to a specialist. So here I am. Starting now with the specialist.

Before we went to the specialist I cried and cried. It is so emotionally stressful when you feel like your choices are narrowing. I have been in and out of many doctors offices through my life. I had one male doctor when I was a teenager and I’ll never forget what he said. He told me there was a good chance that I would never have a child when I was older. It was true but who tells a 15 year old that? I’ve lived with his words echoing in the back of my head for the past 10 years. His words scarred me and my hopes for the future. I hope to one day prove him wrong.. I drove by his office the other day and can’t tell you the satisfaction I felt that his practice had shut down. I am not a vengeful person by any means but I couldn’t stand the thought he would do this to another young girl.. You don’t know what that does to a young woman’s confidence. It makes her feel like less of a woman and makes her look down on herself. I used to think I just needed to stay single because I would not be good for anyone because I couldn’t give them a family… At times I still think it.. I hurt for my husband more than anything. I know he wants a family and deserves one.. And I’m the one holding him back from that. I just don’t think that doctor realized the impact of his words…

After that I went to a female doctor and she was really not any better. She knew I had PCOS but instead of helping me treat it she put me on birth control and said when I come off I should be able to conceive… I took them for months and as soon as I would go off every time I would not have a period. I still would get cysts with the birth control as well. She just wanted an easy bandaid to put on the situation and get us out the door.

So needless to say my experience with doctors have not been very well. My current doctor has been the best by far and she has one major thing going for her… She has been trying with her husband for years to conceive as well. I can talk to her about my condition and she gets it.. She knows the highs and the lows. She is compassionate and very intelligent. I pray for her a lot.. She will be a great mom someday..

So this is us so far. We have a ways to go but with our faith in God I look forward to what He has in store for us. Within the last week there has been a peace that has washed over me as if God has me by the hand leading me. It is such a feeling that cannot be put into words.. I’ll follow where ever He leads and can’t wait to get there… 



2 thoughts on “God holds my hand..

  1. Thank you for the honesty in this post! I have PCOS as well and know the feelings of being less of a woman and never being able to give the person you love what they really deserve. But the Lord places things in our loves for a reason. A beautiful reason that has not been unveiled to us yet. But one day both you and I will discover what that reason is and rejoice!


  2. James 5:16-18 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth. Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.”

    Thank you for your words. I know you know saying words of support and encouragement mean so much to people with our struggle. I know God has a plan and I rest my faith with that. Please know… I will pray for you!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s