Had our first fertility appointment today. We sat in a very small, cold doctors office and spoke with the nurse first. We went over my family history and my current conditions. One question after another that I have answered a million times. As I sat there I gladly answered anything she asked but was so hoping this would be the last doctor I would have to do this with. I proceeded to the bathroom after that to fill a cup for her.. One of the most humiliating things in the world. There is nothing quite like carrying a warm transparent container of your urine across a doctors office. The whole time knowing everyone is looking at your container thinking, “She needs to drink more water.” We sat in the office waiting on the doctor. My husband always tries to lighten the mood. He said he would get in the stirrups for me. The room was quite except for the creeping cheerful elevator music playing. On the ceiling the lights were covered with a film that made the lights appear as clouds.. I have never figured out why they do that. Every gynecologist office and a lot of doctors office love to put these in the ceilings.. Then when I’m laying outside and trying to relax and staring at the sky what do I think of… Those stupid lights.. Which proceeds to make me think of being in stirrups and being poked and prodded by doctors. I would so much rather just stare at the light but that’s just me. My husband came with me and as we sat there and listened to the doctor everything seemed so surreal. I never knew I would be this person and have to go through what we have endured. I listened to the doctor tell me what our chances were.. Even with the ultrasounds and prescriptions my odds would be about 20%.. That number sounds so meek and so depressing. He said a normal woman’s chances in a given month was 20% but how can that be.. How can a woman have eight children and never tried to have one and fell within that 20% every time? How can one of my good friends decide she would like to have a child and within that very month hit that 20%? Seems so inconceivable to me.. My doctor sat and spoke with us about my condition and proceeds to hand my 2 pamphlets. The first was for couples who are infertile and the steps they normally take, like I haven’t read these words a thousand times over. My husband and I have fought this condition for three years, there was nothing I have not read. This one really only disappointed me because I thought they left out quite a bit and could have included a few more things. The second was one that described PCOS… This one offended me a little. It described what PCOS was and normal steps to treat it. We had talked before he gave me these pamphlets so he knew we had been trying for 3 years. I had brought a book with me that had my complete blood work up and genetics. I told him the things we have done to remedy this disease and things that have worked and the things that haven’t. I told him how my body reacted to specific medications and what I was on now and what I had been on in the past. And still… He gave me a pamphlet. I imagine his intention was well intended.. But as he handed it to me the only thing I could think was, “You may know how a woman’s body works but you have no idea how her mind works.” It seemed very tactless and insensitive. I go back it two weeks for an ultrasound and the will hopefully start on the fertility meds. The doctor is talking about putting me in Femara first. I hope and pray everything goes well so I can start this month. We will see. I know a lot of what I have said seems to be depressing and on the negative side. I am very optimistic about this process and will keep a positive attitude about it. Its just hard every time you have a new doctor and trying to get him to understand not only your body but your pain. A lot if times the doctors seem so unemotional about something that is completely emotional to us. This doctor was no different. He was understanding about my body but as I looked at the pictures of his children plasters all over the walls I knew he could not understand the pain. I guess I don’t need him to understand the pain as long as he understands our immense need for our child… So I have two weeks to look over my pamphlets until the ultrasound. I’ll let you know what happens from there.. Until then.. May the 20% odds ever be in your favor.