Brothers and Sisters.

I need to say something.. I need to say it before I explode.. This pressure is going to keep building up within me unless I speak about it.. Let’s start with the facts. There are racists in this world.. There are people that can look at another human being and not see they are a person, not see they are a father or mother, a son or daughter, a niece or nephew, a sister or brother.. They see a color. They see hatred. And I don’t understand it. I am a white woman and I cannot look at a latino, black, asian, or any other ethnicity woman and think they are less of a person to me.. But there are people out here that do.. It comes in every race.

I can’t watch it anymore. I have shut the tv’s off in my house and unsubscribed and unplugged from every social media source I have. I am not running from it. I am not putting my head in the sand but I can’t watch the responses to what is happening in this word. After the shootings I scrolled my Facebook and was horrified.. There was an african-american women who I knew and went to school with who were saying, “Black man where is you white woman now that you left us for? We are the only ones that truly love you and are standing up for you.” That hurt me.. In a very deep part.. I know plenty of people that have married outside their race and have had very successful marriages and raised families together.. They would lay down their lives for each other.. Then I look at my husband.. I am a white woman who married a white man but it was not the color of his skin that attracted me.. To be completely honest I was attracted to more Hispanic men before I met him. But I fell in love with him.. I fell in love with Travis. He could have been white, brown, yellow, black, purple, or green and I still would follow him to the end of the Earth. It doesn’t matter to me.. If his skin color changed tomorrow I would not feel an ounce different about him. So, I don’t understand saying only someone of Africans american decent can marry another African american and truly love them… That was a racist remark. I can get that the person who wrote this was hurting and was lashing out with anger.. But.. Curing hate with hate will never work.. An eye for an eye is leaving this nation blind..

Then I scroll a little further down my timeline and see one of my Caucasian friends saying, “All lives matter not just black lives.” Yes, I agree that all lives do matter and we are all children of God but I think you may be interpreting the Black Lives Matters movement incorrectly. Black Lives Matter is not saying ONLY black lives matter.. It is merely saying, “We matter TOO.” or at least that is they way I have interpreted it. I can understand that. Lets flip it for a second.. Just imagine for a second Caucasian friend you were the minority in a country and the people who inforced the laws were of the majority race of that country. Then you saw them holding down a man and shooting him in the chest and he was a minority same as you, then you saw another minority being shot in his car for no real reason, if you saw this ALL THE TIME. And if you had to have conversations with you children because they are of a minority race and tell them they have to be extra careful and take special measures because of the color of their skin.. If you had to look in your sons or daughters eyes and tell him you were sorry but it is how the world is.. If your heart ached every time they went out of the door..  As a tired and hurting mother, sister, father, brother.. Then.. Then would you be standing there saying “White lives matter” I bet you would. No matter what you race is.. We are trying to bring awareness about the injustices that still plague African american communities and the racism that is still in the world today. We should stand with our African american brothers and sisters.. Lets not let them stand alone. Silence is the problem. It’s not saying only black lives matter. The Black Lives Matter movement is saying that all lives matter. You just have to listen to the message and quit focusing on the words..

In my previous statement I know I mentioned cops and law enforcement. I used that as an example for what is going on in the world today. Do I think all cops are bad.. No.. I don’t think that it is all police officers fault. I think the fault falls on the ones that actually killed those men without just cause. Cops are the ones we call when we are in trouble to have our backs and protect us. And the majority of cops are just that. They are good men and women, pillars of their community, savers and protectors. I don’t know what the reason was the cops decided that pull the trigger on the men they have in recent days.. It could be improper training, ignorance, racism, or any multitude of things.. But time after time after time of this happening and something has to change and we have to open our eyes.. You can have bad people in every profession and every thing in this world. We have to stop pinning something bad on a whole group of people. I think that cops are held to a higher standard and are our protectors so when something like this happens it is all that much harder to understand. I can’t say I know for sure what happen in the two instances I spoke of.. I can only say what the media has shown. I’ve seen the videos and my heart hurts because what I saw was not right.. It was not right.

We need to look beyond someone’s outside appearance and start looking at their actions and who they are as a person. We are so quick to judge and put people neatly in a category we think they fit in. Then when someone in that category does something bad its the whole categories fault. I refuse to to think I fit or go into a category. I belong to God. I am His child just the same as every human on this Earth.. No matter the shade of your skin.. I can’t imagine what our God must think seeing this.. He loves His children so much and something He did to protect us and make us beautifully different and unique and we use it for evil and hatred. I am from European decent and farther away from the equator.. Maybe He made my skin a little lighter because I, and my ancestors, were farther away from the sun  and He needed a more effective way for me to absorb the Vitamin D I needed. And maybe my brothers and sisters of African decent were made with darker skin for another reason and because God loved them. Maybe the reason is because darker skin tones have eumelanin in it which is a natural sunscreen because God knew they would be closer to the sun. He did it to protect there skin. Do the research.. (https://www.nasw.org/article/vitamin-d-levels-determined-how-human-skin-color-evolved) God loves us and does things to help us and we use them to tear each other apart.

Let’s come together.. Let’s stop the hatred and start fighting back with the same kind of Love and Compassion our Father Jesus taught us. So, to all my Asian, African-American, Hispanic and Caucasian bothers and sisters.. I love you. Let’s stand united.

We are still blessed..

I am trying to come to terms with what my life is and what it may never be.. I’m trying to let go and it is so hard. All my friends have children and a family to tend to and raise. I go home and have no one that depends on me or needs me. I can come and go as I please.. I have silence in my home and it stays clean.. No one is there to string toys across the floor and I don’t have a pile of dishes from cooking for a family. I grew up watching my mom do everything for her family.. She would go without to make sure we had plenty. She was needed by her children.. She cooked for us, cleaned our clothes, made us do our homework, and cleaned house all while making sure we knew we were loved and safe.. I never thought of not being like her.. I heard girls growing up saying they wanted to do this or that.. I wanted to be a mother.. I wanted to be like my mom and I never imagined I wouldn’t be.. It’s hard letting that go and cutting across the grain I have always followed.

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I watch women around me complain about messy houses and loud children.. They complain about not getting sleep and the struggle of disciplining their children and I envy them.. They wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of their kids crying out to them… I wake up from nightmares of never having children and my husband leaving me because of it.. If I could really make them understand one thing I think it would be that.. The tired mothers that want nothing but rest.. I wish they knew how women like myself would give up anything and everything to have what they have.. Women like me hear the silence of the night and would give anything to one day hear the cry of a child break that silence..

I think sometimes that I look to other people to try to make things better.. To try to fill a void in my life that is not fillable.. I don’t know how to fix my life or to feel ok about it so I want someone else to distract me so I don’t have to feel what is going on..  Or deal with it.. My husband, I love him more than anything and he would turn himself inside out to make me ok but even he can’t fix this.. I feel bad for my friends sometimes.. I call them in times when the emotions get too real.. To pull me away from what I am feeling..I discuss with them nothing that really matters… What’s happening with someone.. What’s happening with work.. Plans for the weekend.. Even the weather.. Anything.. Anything so I don’t have to feel.. Sometimes it’s nice to hear them while on the phone talking to their children telling them to stop doing something or to clean something up.. It’s nice to imagine how my life would have been.. Someone told me today my life was boring and even though I thought that was really rude it was the truth.. I don’t know how to deal with this life.. I didn’t plan, make, or in any way anticipate this life.. I know what would bring joy to my life and hopes for the future.. What do you do when that is not attainable? You have to find a new happiness but how? I wish someone would tell me..

After this last cycle failed we decided to take some time off. I can’t deal with another failed cycle of injections. The side effects were terrible but the constant doctors visits and anticipation was unbearable.. The whole month you think and just know you will have a child growing in your belly by the end of the month.. Then during the two week wait you analyze and over analyze everything about you body.. In the mornings do you feel nauseous and if so is that from the medications? Do your boobs feel sore when you touch them.. No.. How about when you squeeze them.. Yes? Does that mean your pregnant? Stomach is a little bloated.. Is that from the injections or from your uterus expanding a little bit? Your constipated.. Is that from the meds or from pregnancy? It goes on and on.. Every day.. Every hour.. Then to only be told that you failed again.. Your body could not do what 7 out of every 8 woman’s body could do.. And who suffers for it? The person you love more than anything.. Your husband.. Sooo… On top of having to tell him you, yet again, did not conceive his child he gets the joy of picking you up off the floor.. He gets the joy of trying to soothe a wound that is impossible to soothe.. I know how much that man love me because I love him with the same amount of force.. To see him hurt breaks my heart and I would do anything to make it better.. I can’t imagine what he has had to live through these past three years.. He is a strong man and I love him for that and so much more..

I have to do something else.. I have to find a different way to be happy.. I have thought about the last couple of days if just the life with my husband would be enough.. And I started to think about how lucky I am.. I see some friends jumping from dating one girl to another or one guy to another and my heart goes out to them.. I can’t imagine not having Travis in my life and I am so incredibly gifted and lucky to be able to share my life with this man.. He loves me so completely that I never have to worry about him not being there.. We have a love that lifts us up and makes us want to be better.. I know no matter what happens I have Travis by my side and he knows the same.. I am lucky.. I may be the one in eight woman fighting infertility but I have what others strive to find and some never get.. I have my soulmate.. My best friend.. And in the worst of times I can look in his eyes and know that although I feel like I am nothing and worthless.. To this man I am everything and even if we don’t have children we are no less in love and no less a family.. We have a bond and love that is unchangeable and eternal.. We have trials but when it really comes down to it God has truly blessed us..

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A New Start..

02/04/2016
Tomorrow is the day I face the inevitable.. I find out if this cycle worked or not. I’ve debated not going. For now I can live in the hope of what if.. For now I can touch my stomach with the hope there is a child growing. For now I can dream of what my reaction would be if I’m told I am pregnant. For now I can look at my husband and not feel like I’ve failed him again. For now..

I’ve taken pregnancy test a few days ago and it was negative. I haven’t taken anymore because they were so depressing. Tomorrow I will find out for sure. I’m scared. I imagine it will be hard to tell my friends but it will be miniscule compared to the pain of having to tell my husband. I am hoping for the best but am trying to prepare myself for the worst. Tomorrow will be a day I feel my life will change. It will be a day of great joy and the start of something beautiful or it will be a day of sorrow. Sorrow in starting to let go of what I always thought my life would be like. I have to start letting this go before it consumes me. I have to find joy in my life. I have imagined my son and/or daughter for so long.. Longed for them.. Dreamed of them.. That the thought of letting them go is like mourning their death before I have ever brought them into life.. God it is hard..

My husband looks at me and I see the pain in his eyes and I hate it. I know he longs for a child but I also know how much he loves me and it kills him to see me this way. It leaves me in a position that I don’t want to cry to him and make him hurt more but he is the only one I want to talk to. He got mad at me every time I took a pregnancy test because he saw how it defeated me. He wants to make it better but he doesn’t know how to and I don’t know how to tell him what’s wrong or what hurts.. It’s just a hole in my heart that aches every day.. Some days is better than others.. I told him today the worst part if I’m not pregnant will be having to tell him I failed again. He tries to cheer me up and told me I succeed at everything I do.. It just seems the things that mean the most I fail at…

02/05/2016
I wrote all the above last night.. Today I found out I am not pregnant. When I was told this I didn’t know what to do. I broke down in the bathroom at work.. The tears kept coming and no matter how I tried I couldn’t get them to stop. I called Travis and before I said a word he said, “Its going to be OK and this is not the end.” My reaction was not the best and I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I felt like me heart was going to explode. I just sat there and cried and when I could make it to the bathroom mirror I had welts covering my neck and chest. I felt so stupid for getting so upset about a negative test but I couldn’t control it. I’m usually pretty good about controlling my emotions but I couldn’t get the tears to stop. My best friend, Heather, came in the bathroom and hugged me. I’m not sure how long I was in that bathroom but it seemed an eternity.. I then spent another little bit in a room crying trying to get myself pulled together. The only thing I could keep thinking was that I failed my husband again. I finally decided I had to leave.. I did not want to sit there all day with a group of people staring at me as tears ran down my face. I love the people I work with but all I wanted to do was cry and talk to my mom. I’m usually pretty good at sucking it up but today I couldn’t. I know it sounds stupid.. I’m a 25 year old woman but still in my weakest moments I needed my mom. I called my mom when I got home.. Travis then came home. He had to leave for about an hour and I’m by myself now and its 4:59 and the tears are still rolling down my cheeks…

I feel so stupid and I keep telling myself it was just a negative pregnancy test.. Its not the end of the world.. But my hearts not listening to me.. It’s only breaking.. I guess its just different this month because of the constant doctors visits and ultrasounds and they made me feel like I was definitely getting pregnant this month.

02/06/2016
I was going through my pictures in my phone this morning and was shocked at what I found.. I occasionally use my phone as a mirror.. Well yesterday as I sat in a room by myself trying to get myself pulled together I used my phone to wipe away mascara from my face and apparently it took pictures that I did not know about.. I saw them and was back in that moment. I was sitting there trying to suck it up so I could go back to work and I felt like my heart was breaking in two.. I sat there and looked at these pitiful pictures and thought.. This is the face of a woman who felt she had failed her husband again.. This is the face of a woman mourning the loss of a dream of a child.. This is a broken woman..They are horrible and at my worst moments. Everyone is going through something.. I am just usually pretty good at concealing my pain.. I’m usually pretty good about sucking it up and keeping it in.. I couldn’t this day.. This day I fell apart.. This day I couldn’t hold it together.. I know it is not anyone else’s problem or anyone else’s issue.. I feel bad for having to leave work for something so stupid.. No one died.. No loved one was in the hospital.. I didn’t need to go to the hospital.. But I was falling apart.. And I was in awe at how some where there to catch me..

02/07/2016
Today is Sunday and I have woke up this morning thinking, “Today will be better. The future is not determined by the past.. It is not the end.” It took me two days but I felt like God is pulling me up and nocking off the dust. I have spent the last three years consumed with trying to have this child. I have to let it go. I have to try to make me happy again. I can’t live this way anymore. Today is a new day and tomorrow holds a new future..

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Infertility Injections.

I haven’t done an update in quiet a while.. I think a part of me was voiding it. Sometimes writing your thoughts into words can be very therapeutic and other times it can be painful.. For a while it seemed painful but now I feel I need to get it out..

We have been through quite a bit in the last couple of months. Travis got his semen analysis back and it proved what I always knew.. He was fine, more than fine actually.. He has a very high count with good motility and morphology. I was so excited to hear this but at the same time it gave a twinge to my heart.. It confirmed what I knew and it was my fault we have not had children yet.. We waited until January and we started infertility injections. Travis injected me each day for 12 days with Menopur and then on the 13th day he injected me with 2 trigger shots of Ovidrel. The side effects were bad but they were manageable. Swollen belly, tiredness, nauseous, and forgetful.. Things I could live with if it meant we could have a child..

The meds did seem to work as far as making me ovulate.. They know for sure that 2 eggs released. I had 4 total follicles on my ovaries. The third one they said probably would release but they did not know for sure and the fourth one was still a little small but was told it could release..

Today is day 23 of my cycle and I am in my 2week wait period and I am going crazy with anxiety.. I just want to know either way so I can break down now and start picking up the pieces and moving on or if I am pregnant rejoice in the life coming.. I don’t have any pregnancy symptoms and right now am on Endometrim.. Which I truly hate..

Here is an update each day we did the injections..

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These two weeks are seeming like forever so please say a prayer for me as I work on having patience and a prayer for my husband since he is having to deal with me through all this.. 😜

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Let go and let God..

I just want to take a second and thank God for everything He has done for us and what He is still doing.

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Travis waiting in the doctors office with me.

The last couple of days have not been the best. I went in for an ultrasound on Monday and got results on Tuesday that I did not ovulate. I had a fatty cyst on my left ovary and it had ruptured. They were hoping I had released an egg but no such luck. I did not ovulate on the Clomid and was told that I would have to make an appointment with the doctor when he got back in the office… The doctors office called me today and we scheduled an appointment to discuss proceeding with injections or to transfer me to Baptist for invitro.. I knew the doctor said that my insurance would not cover these injections and definitely not invitro.. So I called my insurance company to see what they said… They told me they would not pay for procedures but they would pay for the medications up to $5,000.00! The lady that was helping me must have thought I was crazy when she told me that and I started crying..

This is not the answer but as I was sitting in my kitchen sulking today and losing hope this has given me a much needed boost. I was at the end of my rope and something told me to call and see what they offered.. God whispers motivations in our ear when we have no where else to turn. I wrote last week that needed him to take the wheel… I think for so long I was driving around lost and the whole time saying, “God I’ll find the way.” It was not until I stopped the car, let go of the wheel, and let God drive that we finally starting to find our way. I cannot say what comes next but I am so thankful I can leave it with God and wherever He leads is going to be better than I ever imagined.

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God is There..

I wrote this a few weeks ago and I have went back and forth about posting it.. It’s very raw and I wrote most of it through blurry eyes.. I was going to keep it to myself but thought about all the women out there that feel the same way I do.. I want you, no.. I need you to know you are not alone. For so long I thought I was. When you are sitting in a dark room screaming in the silence please know you are not alone.. Not only are there thousands upon thousands of women in the world that feel the same as you and I.. But when your sitting in that room screaming your pain into the silence know our Father is with you.. He hears your pain and he wants nothing more than to comfort you and be with you.. Trust in God and quiet your mouth and listen.. He is showing you the way..

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I think I have come to a decision about this process.. I cant do it anymore.. I have become weak emotional and physically. I have thought about this and thought about this and I’m weary and I want to stop. I haven’t talked to Travis about it yet but by the time this post goes up I will.

I don’t know what else to do or where else to turn.. Travis and I are going to try to sell our old Ford Taurus we have and try to come up with the money for the injections. Truthfully I don’t want to stop trying for a child and I don’t think I ever will. The next step is going to be a struggle not only emotionally but financially… It will take us a number of months to come up with the money needed. Travis’ truck is on its last leg and our plan was to sell the Ford to help get him a Truck.. Now we need that money for injections.. God help us .. I don’t know what to do. I am so tired of thinking about all of this… I should not have to worry about picking between getting my husband a truck he needs and getting vials of hormones to inject in myself..

There was a point this morning as I was driving to work that a thought crossed my mind to keep driving and not stop.. Just drive and run away from all of this. To find relief. To find peace. Drive until the car would not go anymore.. It was a need inside me that seem to relic a survival instinct.. So much of me is shutting down and I don’t know how much more I can take.. I wanted to run..  I can’t run from myself though.. These problems are inside me and nothing I can run from. I cant run and find peace.. I have to find it within myself and with God.. I am losing my grip though and I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

I am sitting in my car about to walk into work and I keep saying to myself as I am digging my fingernails in the steering wheel of my car trying to control my emotions, “God help me hold it together today.” I am so tired of this feeling. It is the perfect compilation of mad as hell and sobbing on the floor. I got my Christmas decorations out yesterday and as I sat there looking at it my stomach churned at the thought of putting everything up. Why would you want to live in a place decorated with joy and on the inside you feel like there is nothing but rain and darkness. As I looked at decorations I could not help but to think I have no child to put these up for.. Who is going to admire them? The dogs?

I feel like I need someone to save me.. Even as I write that I know how pathetic I sound. I just need someone to tell me what to do. I am usually a leader in many circumstances but now I am down on my knees.. I need God to take this wheel I am gripping so tightly to because I cant drive it anymore..

How do I tell my husband though.. How do I tell this man that I love more than the breath that sustains me this? I would do anything for him and one of my greatest fears is disappointing him or him thinking less of me because I am tired.. Him thinking I am weak. I am tired though and I am weak. Travis is the quiet one that you never really know how he is feeling because he keeps so much of it inside.. He rarely breaks. How do I tell my husband I’m sorry I cant give you a child? The words that I hear as they reverberate against our quiet house sickens me. I have always been able to do anything if I put my mind to it to accomplish it.. This is something I cant do and I don’t know how to pick myself up off the floor.

I don’t know why I am writing all this.. I just need to get it out. A friend told me today they may start to try to have another child. A very sweet, beautiful, and courageous friend.. And in that moment my being was filled with two emotions that I didn’t know how to control.. I was so happy for her and the possibility of her being pregnant.. She has had an awful and dark year and I was so happy for her for moving past that dark time and looking toward a bright and new future. In that same moment, however, I was filled with so much jealousy.. To be able to decide when and if you will have a child.. To go through so much trial and tribulation and come out of it and be able to make the decision to bring new life out of all of that.. To be able to close a dark chapter in her life and start anew..  I wanted to be her in that second.. To know if she did get pregnant she would have the joy looking at her daughters beautiful faces and telling them that they would have a sibling on the way.. Or to look in her husband’s eyes and to tell him she was carrying his child.. Yes.. I was purely jealous of her in that moment.. If anyone deserve it though, she does..

There are so many feelings inside of me that I feel like I am buried beneath.. I started out strong climbing trying to overcome them.. Now I am clawing and scratching and I can’t find my way out. I can’t see the top anymore.. It’s time for me to stop.. I have to lay this down because I am losing myself in it.. I just don’t know how..

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Moments of Weakness..

I constantly have so many things going through my head and I often wonder if women who are going through the same thing as me think these things.. I too often wonder if God knows I would not be a good mother and that is why I don’t have a child. I wonder if people think the same about me.. I hear all the time  “things happen for  reason”. I wonder if that reason is God does not think I can handle it.. Maybe I’m not strong enough or have enough patience.. I catch myself sometimes during the day losing my patience and I take a moment to calm down before I react.. I think in those times “What if this is why”.

When I see women who are pregnant or a mom and dad with their children I have a bitterness that is overtaking me that I don’t know how to extinguish.. It comes from a place of pain.. I hurt more to see a father with his child then to see a mother with a child.. My pain is my own and when I see a mom with a child I can cope with that pain.. What rattles my brain, pulls my heart into the pit of my stomach, and lodges the bowling ball in the base of my throat is when I see a father with his child.. Knowing that I am holding my husband from knowing that joy.. To know I am the reason that is holding him from those life experiences and knowing the depth of love between a father and son or daughter..  I hurt for Travis. I would give my life to give him a child. I’ve offered him a divorce and pleaded with him to take it.. I told him he could still find a wife who could give him a child.. He would not take it.. He simply said this is something we fight for together and a life with a child and without you is not worth it.. I love that man.

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I try to spend my day busy from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep because these things are so hard to cope with. I’ve tried to pray again and all I can get out is “God I need you now.” I don’t know what to say. God knows my heart and knows my pain so as someone who can physically feels this.. What more is there to say.. I still wake up every morning and thank God for another day and when I go to sleep at night I try to always tell him thank you for the day he gave me.

My God is great and I will praise him through this. The only peace I have ever really found is with Him.. The times I have spent talking to Him are the times my soul feels refreshed.. I give him the pain and the most beautiful thing is he takes it and is still there with open arms.. During the times like today when I let it build and build and build I can come home and cup my wet face in my hands and give it to God. He hears me in the most desperate times and I love him for that.

I do not mean to sound so bleak but I am in pain and don’t know how else to express it. I still have faith in my God and I know in the end I will have a great testimony. I will overcome this and God will see me through.. Say a prayer for Travis and I as we move forward. We start the next round this week and will be starting the Clomid I was prescribed. Pray for our strength. I love you guys and thank you so much for the words of encouragement and prayers.. They warm my heart and mean more than you will ever know!

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